Archive for March, 2009

call of the owl

Posted in thoughts with tags on March 28, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

as I drifted off to sleep I was awakened by an owl, one that must have been in the trees very close to the house. As I listened to its calls in the stillness of the cold night, there was a wonderful feeling that swept over me as if it was speaking to me. Even in the heaviness of my disturbed slumber I felt a beautiful energy with me.

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Defense Mechanism

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, Rambings with tags , , on March 23, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

I’ve come across some people who have what I call the survivor instinct. People who, when things start looking bad, will throw everyone around them to the wolves to protect themselves. I’m not saying I could never do that. I’ve never been to the last pitch of desperation and it would be arrogant to predict how I’d behave when I was there. But I’ve certainly seen people respond to a threat with what seems to me a disproportionate selfishness. And I know that, in similar circumstances, I would have had continued to stay open, to value the needs of others as much as my own.

I’ve never had to develop this survivor instinct. And I like that about myself, but it’s also a vulnerability. Of course I have learnt to protect myself from people who are always selfish. But the people I’m vulnerable to are the survivors who seem perfectly compassionate and generous on the outside. For whom it’s only when the chips are down that this harsh streak suddenly takes over.

I’ve seen this in two people, both people who seemed extremely compassionate, caring and altruistic, on the surface. (I wonder to what extent this particularly active altruism is in some way a compensation for what lies below.) By a coincidence I’ve only just recognised, they both showed me this side in the space of a fortnight. Unsurprisingly, it was probably the most painful and difficult fortnight of my life – and even now, a year later, I find myself still learning lessons from dealing with the after-effects. I’ve never had to defend myself by attacking – so I was completely unprepared when these people I trusted and admired turned on me. I couldn’t understand why they suddenly behaved that way, and took it far too personally. It didn’t occur to me, at the time, that this was part of a defence mechanism, something driven by their feeling of being threatened rather than anything I’d done. I’m proud that I coped with that without hardening my own heart. I learnt to give myself a less damaging sort of protection – one that recognised just how little the way people relate to me can have to how I have behaved. One founded on knowing myself better. Quietly, but firmly – in a way that doesn’t need to impose that knowledge on others.

And now that I am aware of this survivor pattern, I think I’d find it far easier to recognise when people get into this mode – and protect myself straight away rather than having to come back and patch up the damage caused by taking these harsh words to heart. 

It seems to me that some people, during childhood, find themselves under such soul-destroying pressure that they have to protect themselves, at all costs. And once they’ve done this once, it becomes so much easier to do it again, even when the threat isn’t as great. Or maybe once you’ve been so deeply threatened, anything that threatens you even slightly feels just as dangerous as that childhood trauma – so you react the same way, even if the threat isn’t actually that great. I was lucky. I never needed to defend myself that way. And I hope I never will. But my heart is full of compassion for those who have.

A Part of My Heart

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Feelings, Life with tags , , on March 16, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

I realized I had not had any time alone in a great many days. I thought of the people that need me and in turn the ones I need, something that does not always go hand in hand. This is something I found out one June day but that is another post and another story. While I love my family and would do anything for them, clearly, my doubts and those little questions that keep popping up in my mind come from the knowledge that I know where I want to be, and that I probably will never be there. Such is life and the concessions we make. Perhaps I am wrong and perhaps this is all part of a journey that will lead me there, but I do not think so.

It may not be my purpose in this life to claim my hearts desire. It may be enough that I was shown what is there, a glimpse of what can be and occasional visits, if you will, from the shadows? On days like this I wonder how many lifetimes it may take me to find it again. The emotions of the heart are strong and I have seen how mine can travel, reminding me that those things I hold there, are not very far away after all.

The meaning of life is something most of us ponder from time to time. Perhaps it is just to live and take each day one by one, the good ones getting us through and reminding us why we are here. For now, I know why I am here, though I will always hear the whispers of another place, where a part of my heart calls my name.

The Secret Road

Posted in Life, Moods with tags , , on March 15, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

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Today I am in a place of peace and tranquility, something so powerful I am at a loss to explain it. All is right with the world, so right in fact, that I feel myself almost drifting between worlds. Perhaps someone walks with me today sheltering me from the burdens of these past weeks. Whatever it is, I am relishing this part of the journey and I am listening closely for what whispers the wind may carry my way.

This feeling takes me back two years ago to an Autumn where I began to unfold, finding things and in turn being found by things I could not explain or understand. Over the last two years I have searched for a better understanding of it all. While on that journey for understanding I have experienced amazement, arrogance, doubt, and finally the true knowledge of how little I really know about any of it. Through it all, some things have been constant while others have fallen away. Paths have changed and ideas with them as I have discovered what fuels my soul and what takes it away.

Last night I started thinking about how long it has been since I have been alone with just the light of candles and the company of shadows. It was then that this feeling swept over me, as if the shadows heard my thoughts and came to join me. They have brought with them thoughts that carry me down a secret road lined with trees that hold old memories and mysteries.

This may seem like senseless babbling to those who have never traveled this road, but for those who have, it is an unforgettable journey.

My Place in the World

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, Nights with tags , , on March 1, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

The snow started to fall very gently last night in huge, soft clumps. A couple of times I got up during the night to look out the window. It can be so mesmerizing, the dark trees silhouetted against the pale sky, the falling flakes illuminated under the street lights. It makes me feel meloncholy in a way, just looking out at my street, my place in the world. The beautiful world, if only in that peaceful moment.

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