Archive for Feelings

Sometimes

Posted in Feelings, Love, thoughts, Words with tags , , , on August 17, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

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Sometimes late at night, when the world is quiet and I am finally alone with my thoughts, I realize why it is I cannot find the words to write for others.  You are the one who makes the words happen for me, you always have been. Why that is I cannot say for sure, but you bring this part of me alive like no one else has ever done.  I have not written here as much of late but the thoughts are still there.  My longing to share them with the world is somewhat uncertain these days,  but the feeling behind them is not. Sometimes late at night I realize all I want is to share them with you, my thoughts, my heart, all the parts of me I cannot seem to put to the page.  It is night here, the moon and stars filling the sky, while you greet the light of day and all it will bring.  May it bring only good things to you and may you, for a moment, hear some of those words whispered into the night as I drift to sleep.

Defense Mechanism

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, Rambings with tags , , on March 23, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

I’ve come across some people who have what I call the survivor instinct. People who, when things start looking bad, will throw everyone around them to the wolves to protect themselves. I’m not saying I could never do that. I’ve never been to the last pitch of desperation and it would be arrogant to predict how I’d behave when I was there. But I’ve certainly seen people respond to a threat with what seems to me a disproportionate selfishness. And I know that, in similar circumstances, I would have had continued to stay open, to value the needs of others as much as my own.

I’ve never had to develop this survivor instinct. And I like that about myself, but it’s also a vulnerability. Of course I have learnt to protect myself from people who are always selfish. But the people I’m vulnerable to are the survivors who seem perfectly compassionate and generous on the outside. For whom it’s only when the chips are down that this harsh streak suddenly takes over.

I’ve seen this in two people, both people who seemed extremely compassionate, caring and altruistic, on the surface. (I wonder to what extent this particularly active altruism is in some way a compensation for what lies below.) By a coincidence I’ve only just recognised, they both showed me this side in the space of a fortnight. Unsurprisingly, it was probably the most painful and difficult fortnight of my life – and even now, a year later, I find myself still learning lessons from dealing with the after-effects. I’ve never had to defend myself by attacking – so I was completely unprepared when these people I trusted and admired turned on me. I couldn’t understand why they suddenly behaved that way, and took it far too personally. It didn’t occur to me, at the time, that this was part of a defence mechanism, something driven by their feeling of being threatened rather than anything I’d done. I’m proud that I coped with that without hardening my own heart. I learnt to give myself a less damaging sort of protection – one that recognised just how little the way people relate to me can have to how I have behaved. One founded on knowing myself better. Quietly, but firmly – in a way that doesn’t need to impose that knowledge on others.

And now that I am aware of this survivor pattern, I think I’d find it far easier to recognise when people get into this mode – and protect myself straight away rather than having to come back and patch up the damage caused by taking these harsh words to heart. 

It seems to me that some people, during childhood, find themselves under such soul-destroying pressure that they have to protect themselves, at all costs. And once they’ve done this once, it becomes so much easier to do it again, even when the threat isn’t as great. Or maybe once you’ve been so deeply threatened, anything that threatens you even slightly feels just as dangerous as that childhood trauma – so you react the same way, even if the threat isn’t actually that great. I was lucky. I never needed to defend myself that way. And I hope I never will. But my heart is full of compassion for those who have.

A Part of My Heart

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Feelings, Life with tags , , on March 16, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

I realized I had not had any time alone in a great many days. I thought of the people that need me and in turn the ones I need, something that does not always go hand in hand. This is something I found out one June day but that is another post and another story. While I love my family and would do anything for them, clearly, my doubts and those little questions that keep popping up in my mind come from the knowledge that I know where I want to be, and that I probably will never be there. Such is life and the concessions we make. Perhaps I am wrong and perhaps this is all part of a journey that will lead me there, but I do not think so.

It may not be my purpose in this life to claim my hearts desire. It may be enough that I was shown what is there, a glimpse of what can be and occasional visits, if you will, from the shadows? On days like this I wonder how many lifetimes it may take me to find it again. The emotions of the heart are strong and I have seen how mine can travel, reminding me that those things I hold there, are not very far away after all.

The meaning of life is something most of us ponder from time to time. Perhaps it is just to live and take each day one by one, the good ones getting us through and reminding us why we are here. For now, I know why I am here, though I will always hear the whispers of another place, where a part of my heart calls my name.

My Place in the World

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, Nights with tags , , on March 1, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

The snow started to fall very gently last night in huge, soft clumps. A couple of times I got up during the night to look out the window. It can be so mesmerizing, the dark trees silhouetted against the pale sky, the falling flakes illuminated under the street lights. It makes me feel meloncholy in a way, just looking out at my street, my place in the world. The beautiful world, if only in that peaceful moment.

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Posted in Feelings, Life, Moods with tags , , on January 22, 2009 by moragglimmerwitch

Just when I believe I can keep all the emotional balls in the air (and I believe it with all my heart) confidence falls, rapidly followed by pluck and grit and mettle. 

There are days when you feel like you’re on top of the world, and if you’re like me, those days are usually followed by an abrupt change in the opposite direction.  Out of nowhere, the enormity of decisions  I’ve had to make hit me like a sucker punch and I go down for the count.  Sometimes I stay there until the fight is called and everyone goes home.  Then, and only then, can I pull myself to my feet, dress my wounds, and consciously decide to live to fight the fight again.  

Can I do this again?    How do I begin?

I begin at the beginning and hope not to slide backwards too often.